The Bulletproof Marriage Pt. 4 Becoming One

In today’s society, sadly, it is easy to find dysfunctional couples who conflict with one another instead of relating and working together as one. What does it really mean to “be one flesh” as the Bible says, and how do we get there? 

In this episode with Pastors Gil and Liz, you’ll discover:
•        Why being married doesn’t automatically mean you’re unified 
•        The key elements of oneness—unity, alignment, agreement, and coordinated effort 
•        How differences between spouses can either divide or strengthen your relationship 
•        Why becoming one is a lifelong process, not a one-time decision 
In this episode, you'll be given tools and encouragement to help you see where you are in your marriage journey toward unity and oneness as God intends, along with practical insight and spiritual perspective to help get you there.   

📖 Scripture References:  1 Peter 5:8; Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31; Psalm 133:1

📖 This series is based on Dream Marriage Vol. II: The Bulletproof Marriage by Bishop Duane & Sunny Swilley — grab your copy here: https://a.co/d/0gUgck2i

Click here to listen to our last episode in this series."The Bulletproof Marriage Pt. 3 Money & Debt"

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hey, this is Pastor Gill from the Father's House East C in Jensen Beach, Florida, and we welcome you to our weekly podcast. Thank you for joining us today for the relevant messages and genuine conversations. We hope dreams and God's promises for you are awakened and restored. Be inspired, be challenged, and be reminded that God is not done with your story, and He has more for you than you can think or imagine. Enjoy the message.

When Opposites Start To Irritate

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Welcome everyone to the Father's House Jensen Beach. It's again so awesome to have you with us today. We're excited for this week's podcast because we're continuing in the series The Bulletproof Marriage. We just encourage you to get your own copy of this book. It is available on Amazon. And we think you'd really benefit from it. It's an easy read book. It's something that you and your spouse can work through together. And it's just really, really powerful. But that is, you know, what we are sharing from here. So if you're married or thinking about getting married, this book and this series is definitely for you. First, we'd like to invite you to follow the show, share this episode, and if you would take a moment to rate and review the podcast because your feedback really helps us reach more people with hope from God's word, and we really appreciate it. And all the links that you need are right there in the show notes. So as we begin, um, last week we talked on money and debt, and that was fun. That's a topic that I thoroughly enjoy. You know, I love to study about it, I love to work numbers, I just love everything about it. And also, we just feel that that topic last week really flow into what we're going to be talking about this week, and this week we are talking about becoming one. And wow, how do two people from different backgrounds that are opposites? How do we become one? I mean, this is a this is a actually it's a command of the Lord in Genesis 2.24 and in Ephesians 5.31, you know, it says in both the old and the new testaments that um a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. But Gil, let's start off with that question right there. How can opposites become one? Because there's that saying, before marriage, opposites attract, after marriage, opposites irritate. And that is so true. I was thinking about some of the ways that you and I are opposite. And wow, we're opposite in quite a few ways, you know.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Well, that in itself would be a whole book.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

It is a book, it is a book. I I can think of a few ways. One of them uh is Gil, you like to sleep at least eight hours a night. I couldn't sleep eight hours if you paid me. I I can I can get up after four hours and I'm fine. So I can get up at three o'clock in the morning and I just look at that. That's a great time to pray. You know, it's a great time to study, and and things like that. So I'll get up at three or four. And I know that in the past that has irritated you because you just you know, you don't quite understand it.

SPEAKER_01 3:51

So I don't understand it. And the second thing is is that I like to wake up alongside of you. I like to know that you're right there in the nest, if you will. And so when you're not there, when I wake up and you're not there, you know, it it's like, oh, she's not here. And so over the years, you you get used to that. Um, we've been married more than two years now. Um you you kind of get used to that. Um, it's like I like when I go to bed, I like to lay down and just lay down and go to sleep. I don't like to be touched, I don't like to be messed with. But those things change when you get married. Those things have a tendency to um switch. And so now, you know, my wife goes to bed, she likes to read. There's a light on, there's a book light on somewhere down the line or whatever. I bought her a Kindle, that helps. Um, and then also she likes to put her feet on me, she likes to touch me, she likes to see what's going on. You know, she likes to lay her hand on me or something like that when I'm trying to go to sleep. And I like to talk, and she loves to talk.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

I mean, if I haven't gotten all my words out for that day, I'm like, hey, here we are, we're alone, we can talk some more, and you're like so there's an adjustment in becoming one.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Um, my dad mom and dad always said there's always give and take in a marriage, and so true. I think that one thing that that we have in common is that both of our families were in some way, shape, or form involved in building or or developing, and so we have a commonality there. But sometimes I think that's where the the line stops. You know, she likes food that's not so spicy, I like spicy food. So there's a compromise there, you know. Now I get my spicy stuff on the side, it's not cooked in. So I can eat it. So my wife can eat her what I call bland flute food, and I can eat my spicy food.

SPEAKER_00 5:59

So you know, but back to the to uh the hours we sleep. You know, when you had told me that you like waking up next to me, and when I'm not there, you miss it. You know, I have to really think about that. And there's something that I can do is if I do happen to get up at three or four, I can come back to bed for maybe another half hour of rest or something before it's time to get up. And then you wouldn't be waking up alone, and that would be one way, that is one way that I can live on what my body needs, which is not a lot of sleep, but then also be there for you too. And I think with opposites, don't you just think that understanding that we are different and accepting that, you know, like another way that we're opposite is um I'm a planner, I'm a detail person to the T, and you're more fly by the C to your pants. And I'm like, so that's a total opposite too. And we've had to learn to adjust in that. I can plan, but you I have to ask you for your plans. Whereas with me, I'm more like, okay, here's what's going on today, and you I'll get there about such and such a time. I'm looking for definites, and you don't always give me definites. So I've decided to say, okay, I'm not going to change you too much in this area.

The Lifelong Work Of Oneness

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Funny you should say that. Well, see, here's the thing. I may not have a total plan written down. And you ask me what my plans are, and I'll go, Well, I know I'm gonna do this. And then you start asking me for details, and I don't have the details. I'm like, Well, I do plan on doing this and this and this and this. And you go, Well, what's the order? And and when you when your times, and how long are you gonna be there, and what's next, and how are you gonna get there? And then I'm like, Oh my gosh, talk about shorting out the other person. It but it but all these things are great. We we can we can kind of laugh at these things and we can joke around, but the basis of what we're talking about here is not so much identifying the opposites of people that are together, it's how are you going to make it work? How are you going to make things work? Uh, obviously, you are attracted to the person that you're married to. You're uh you're obviously attracted to them because opposites attract. So you know that going in that she's not like you, although it is very intriguing, or he's not like you, and it's very intriguing. Those are the things that you have to hold on to. Um, that's the that's the spark in the relationship, if you will, to understand that that person's not like me. Listen, if we were the same, if we were identical, we would have conflict like you wouldn't believe. Um no, you don't schedule it that way because in that minute right there, I'm doing something else, and it causes a conflict where there has to be a give and take in the relationship where you'll plan out something, and I won't get the memo. And I have things I like to do. Here's an example. I asked her out on a date, and so what she wants to do, she wants to go to some stores before we go out to eat. And like I'm looking at it as a date. I'm like, well, I'm just gonna take her out, we're gonna go get some dinner, we're gonna do this or that. And so, what do I do? I acquiesce. I act I say, okay, that's fine, we'll eat later. And so it's it's a matter of working with what you have.

SPEAKER_00 9:51

We becoming one is a process, and it is a lifelong process, lifelong, but you know, um, in this process, it's where we're perfected, and in the Bible, perfected means that you have matured, and it takes two very mature people to build a bulletproof marriage. If we just on these two or three examples that we've talked about here today, I mean, sometimes these things can divide people, be a real division, and they never get it worked out. If each married couple matures and does look at who they are, who the spouse is, remember that that's one of the reasons why you married them, you know. And think about this. If I and I've been here, when I just start looking at all the things where I don't feel like we can get along because we're so different, you know, it it's not a good place for a marriage to be. And I know that married couples can get there. Um, but what is the good in your mate? What is the good? So you're not a real planner, but I'll tell you what you are. You're an awesome worker. You work hard, you go after tasks. So it's important for us to look at the good in our mate when we might want to dwell on the negative when they're not like us, we're where we are opposite. But look at the good and be patient with the differences. Be patient with the differences. I think that's really important.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

So what we're really saying is it takes a coordinated effort to be one. Marriages work. Marriages work till the end. Till the end. It really is it till death do us part. Till death do us part. Not not murder, but till anyhow, I digress. A coordinated effort means that you two have to agree to work it out. You have to work diligently to be one.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

It doesn't just happen one time and you and you're finished. It's not like one size fits all. Everybody's different. Every couple is completely different from the couple next door. So it takes effort and you need to work around it. Uh there's so many different things that make people different, but the pair of you have to coordinate your efforts to become one. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Oh, I'm sorry. And that takes humility. Yes, it takes humility, it takes patience, it takes having the right attitude and wanting to work it out.

SPEAKER_01 12:57

So we have an expression in our company that we tell our customers, you need to trust the process. God has a process for you two to become one. And if you don't follow the process that God lays out in your life, or you don't find out what God's process is for your life, then you're gonna have a real rough time because you two will be divided. You will not work together, you will not have everything that you desire. There will not be an alignment of ideas, there will not be any kind of oneness, and there will not be an agreement.

Alignment Through Vision And Money

SPEAKER_00 13:41

Back to that coordinated effort to be warned. Without this coordinated effort, the enemy will get your mate off by themselves where he can devour them. Where there is not unity, where there is not alliance together, where there is not alignment. We're starting to throw out some of our key words because we wrote down some key words to becoming, not to becoming one, to recognizing if you are in that process of being one, if your marriage is on the right track towards unity, towards alignment, oneness, agreement, like you said. Those are key words. But if these things aren't present, and if we aren't coordinating our efforts to work together towards them, the enemy will get one of those mates off track and they can be devoured. When together the Bible says that one can put a thousand to flight, and two can put ten thousand, and where there's alignment and where there's unity and where there's agreement, like in Psalm 133, there, there the Lord commands the blessing, literally commands the blessing, his blessing upon your marriage, upon your family, upon your finances, upon your work, upon your ministry, whatever you're doing, there is where the Lord commands it. So that is the power of unity. That is the power of being in agreement. So you mentioned um oneness and alignment. Well, what is alignment? How do you know if you're in alignment? Here's a really quick check what are your visions? Do you have one vision in your house? Or are there two visions going?

SPEAKER_01 15:34

Like raising kids. Like finances.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

Yes. Yes. Okay, finances is a great point. One wants to be debt free. One is willing to really work toward it, sacrifice it to be debt free. The other one just I don't want to live on a budget. If I want to spend money, it's my money. I want the freedom to spend it. They don't see the power of a budget. This is one example. So you've got one that's really wanting to save and manage the money, and the other one's just wanting to be off and being being a spender, you know. So how does how does that couple become one? I'm telling you, it's going to be a lot of work, right? It'll be a lot of work, but there does have to be that humility on each side to listen and to talk, talk, talk, and work together, pray together, pray together. But really, to become one, we do have to become selfless. We cannot have a single mindset in marriage. You can't say, Well, this is just the way I am. That doesn't work, it doesn't work. Once you got married, it's not the place to hold on to your individual identity. You're now in the process of becoming one with somebody else. So when we say, Well, this is just the way I am, well, that's a single person's mindset. And if you don't want to transform who you are to continue becoming one with your mate, you should have remained single, the book says. It can sound harsh, but we have to give up that single mindset. I remember my father told me, he said, when you have kids, it's the end of the self-life. That's because when you have kids, if they're up at three in the morning, you can't say, work it out, I'm sleeping, you know. You're there to take care and to nurture and to raise and to pour into that child. And it's the same thing with our marriage. I don't know. I just feel the Holy Spirit on this right here, because we cannot come into alignment and vision and agreement and unity if we're holding on real tightly to our individual wants, our individual needs, and all of these things. We have to realize it's like with me. What do you mean you need me there next to you in the bed when you wake up? I get up at three, I'm up, I'm ready to go. I could be really stubborn about it, or I could say, hey, how can I make it work so that I can get up at three if I'm up, but then I can help satisfy a need in you. So therefore, I'm not just looking out for myself, I'm looking out for you. Each mate has to do that. We just want to really encourage people that it is work, but the reward of the oneness, of the coming together, is so powerful.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

You know, as we talk, I'm sure that you are hearing things in your life that need to be changed. But you know, there are benefits. One of the things that we have to realize that we ourselves change every so often. We change who we are.

SPEAKER_00 19:18

That's true.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

Um, I'm not the same man I was when I married this young lady. We're not the same people, we don't think the same way, we don't act the same way, we don't talk the same way, and you know, that's an ongoing process because of the way we see things and our environment that we're around, it changes who we are. Uh not only that, through the years we supposed to gain wisdom, and so wisdom has a way of tempering you and has a way of of causing you to respond and act differently. So when two people are together and they're constantly changing, their processes change on how to become one. It's important that you realize that you have to work at being one with your wife because you change and she changes, and that means that the two of you are different, and you have to find a way to be together. I know that my wife and I we we look at life a little differently today than we did 20 years ago. So we have to change. We have to change how we talk, how we think, and how are we going to minister to people? We can't minister to people the way we were 20 years ago. It's not gonna happen. People aren't gonna respond to us. So today is a little different, a little different.

Intimacy Means Staying Close

SPEAKER_00 20:52

I think as you grow older, you look back on mistakes, and and hopefully you learn from them. I know that mistakes that we've made in the past has caused us to morph into different people, too, because we don't want to stay in the way that made us make that mistake. There comes a resolve in us that says, No, I don't want to be that person again. But you know what? If either is unaware that the other has changed or is changing, you're in danger of losing your closeness. We have to stay up on one another. And that requires communication, prayer, working together. But you know, I think that's one of the dangers we can have in our lives today. We are so busy. Life moves so fast, there's so much going on, there's more pressures, etc. I know, like when my parents came to live with us, we were honored. To have them, but it brought a different pressure into the household. I mean, it was no longer just you and I. Now we're taking care of them. And things change in life. I remember we were always advised to you have to stay together. You and Gil have to stay together. Keep your focus on you because if we start falling apart, we won't be good to anybody else. But that's what happens with life. Things come in and we lose each other. And that's that's a danger zone. That is definitely a danger zone. Remember, you're either getting closer to your mate every day or you're moving further away.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

I want to touch on that point, moving closer or getting away. I think all couples require or want a degree, probably more of a higher degree of intimacy than if they were single. Intimacy, I'm not talking about the actual physical intimacy. I'm talking about the intimacy. Like, like I mentioned earlier, I like to wake up and know that she's alongside of me. That's intimacy. That is knowing that she's there and she's safe. I think one of the greatest things, this is kind of a kind of a personal thing, but one of the greatest things that for me is knowing that she's laying alongside of me and I can hear her breathe. I can hear her uh I won't say snore because she doesn't really snore. She just breathes. And to hear that, I can tell if she's if she's distressed or if she's comfortable. And of course, God always provides me entertainment because there's occasions where she does talk in her sleep. And a lot of times she's either talking, preaching, or praying. So it's kind of funny. It's it's incredible. But that's that's good for me because I know where she's at. I know what she's doing, I know what she's thinking, I know where her mind's at. You know, when she's next to me, I don't think I've ever heard her in distress. And I know that when she's sleeping, if she's on a mission, because she'll begin to pray in the spirit, she's not gonna sleep, but she begins to pray in the spirit. I know she's on a mission, even though she's alongside of me. So it's incredible that we work tirelessly to understand our mate. We have to understand that that's them. And even though she might wake me up out of a sound sleep, I'm at peace. And I can handle that. And there would be no way in shape or form that I would stop that. There would be no way that I'd reach over and touch her to stop her from what she was doing. I would let her go. And as long as it took, because I know that I know that she's in her element, she's doing what she's supposed to be doing. And that's part of being one, that's part of being intimate, allowing our mates to do what they're called to do.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 25:04

Not to be at a place where we're making them acquiesce to us. See, uh the acquiescing isn't voluntary, but it's necessary to be able to work with your mate, to be able to understand who they are, to get to know them. Um I think it it would be it would be very unfruitful for me personally to interrupt her dream, interrupt her process, interrupt her mission that she's on. It would be very unfruitful for me. First off, it would jerk her out of where she's at, and it would stop it. So we have to work hard at understanding one another.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

And again, fruit is so rewarding because we did get married for closeness. We didn't get married to be roommates. No. You know, you got married because you wanted to share your life together with somebody, and you couldn't think of living life without that person in it. That's why you got married. And then once you get married, if we allow all these little things, these little irritants, these little foxes come in to destroy the vine, or or we let some of that closeness go or that unity go, then the enemy can come in and there begins a division. We've been on both sides of the fence. We've uh we've been on the side where we were not united. You know, we had different visions going. We had frustrations within us because of what the other one was doing. And that's why we so enjoy sharing on the bulletproof marriage, because this is what brought about the revelation of change in our marriage. It wasn't you got to do this and you got to change this and you got to do this. The bulletproof marriage is all about what God designed and what each of us have to do, and getting those at work and making those covenants and being willing to bring your humility to it so that you can work things out. Unity is a powerful thing. Walking in agreement is where the blessing of God flows. And we wonder sometimes why don't things quite feel right in our relationship or or why are we always struggling in this area or are we together? Yeah. And if we're not, let's be willing to talk, let's be willing to pray together, let's be willing to set some boundaries on something. We have to make some covenants when you do things that can irritate me, and I know I do things that can irritate you. Hey, we've got to find out how we can make a covenant and make this work.

Change, Prayer, And Closing

SPEAKER_01 27:59

Yeah. I actually was just thinking about this this morning, and we just want to say that these bullet points that we hit, these words. I want to encourage you to listen to those words and see how you can apply some of this to your relationship. If you have uh changes you need to make in your relationship, the degree that you want to equals the attitude in your heart. So think about how bad do you want to change? How bad do you want intimacy in your relationship? How bad do you want it to be bulletproof? How bad do you want to know your mate? That determines your attitude, not theirs, but your attitude. So think about it. Can't put the attitude on your mate, it's each of you. Each of you have an attitude that needs to change. And uh so we just want to encourage you today. As we close here, if this has been helpful to you, use it. Begin to change, begin to recognize, and God will do the rest. Amen. So, Heavenly Father, we thank you for this morning. We thank you for your Holy Spirit. We ask you, Lord, to use what is spoken here in people's lives. Lord, that might just be at that point where they need to change. They need to change because they have the desire to be in unity. They have a desire to be one, and they are tired of the attacks, tired of the fighting, tired of the groveling, tired of mismanagement, and so forth. Today is a day of change in their lives. And Lord, we ask you to help them this very day to move forward, to become one and to develop a bulletproof marriage in the season that they're in. And we give you all the glory for it, Father, in Jesus' name. Amen. Thanks for listening. If you've enjoyed the podcast, be sure to subscribe, click the share button, and take a screenshot and share it on your social media pages. Tag us at thefathershouse TC and visit us at tfhtc.org for more information and play.