The Bulletproof Marriage Pt. 5 Becoming One: Communication

Today's message continues "The Bulletproof Marriage" series. 
Join Pastors Gil & Liz as they share Biblical, practical insights on one of the most important indicators of a strong, unified relationship, communication.

In this episode, you'll discover:

- Why unity, alignment, and agreement are essential for a healthy marriage
- How to identify areas where you and your spouse may not be fully “one.”
- The power of communication, why it’s not just what you say, but how you say it
- How emotional intimacy and vulnerability impact connection and trust
- Why understanding your spouse’s past, triggers, and experiences leads to deeper unity

Listeners will be challenged to take an honest look at how they communicate and encourage transparent conversations in relationships that build trust, healing, and true oneness.

If you're married or thinking about getting married, this series will unlock principles found in God's Word upon which you can build a bulletproof marriage.

📖 Scripture References:  Psalm 133:1, Colossians 3:12; Genesis 11:1,5-8
📖 This series is based on Dream Marriage Vol. II: The Bulletproof Marriage by Bishop Duane & Sunny Swilley — grab your copy here: https://a.co/d/0gUgck2i

Click here to listen to our last episode in this series."The Bulletproof Marriage Pt. 4 Becoming One"

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📩 For more information about The Father’s House, email us info@tfhtc.org
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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey, this is Professor Gill from the Father's House TV. And we welcome you to our weekly podcast. Thank you for joining us for candid conversations and relevant messages. Be inspired and reminded that God is not done with your story. He has more for you than you can think or imagine. Enjoy the message.

SPEAKER_02 0:23

Hello and welcome to another encouraging message from the Father's House in Jensen Beach. You're joining us for part five of the series, The Bulletproof Marriage. You know, in previous episodes, we've covered some really relevant and interesting topics like the power of covenants, the marriage detox, money and debt. So you can check them out if you've missed them on the podcast. You can also get your own copy of the book, The Bulletproof Marriage, by Dwayne and Sonny Swilly on Amazon. And if you're married or even thinking about getting married, this series is definitely for you. It will lay a solid foundation in your marriage and in your relationship that you will build upon throughout the years to come. And be sure to like and follow the show. Share this episode because you really help us to get the word out and we appreciate it.

What Oneness Really Means

SPEAKER_02 1:17

So as we begin here today, I was just thinking in today's society, sadly, it is very easy to find dysfunctional couples who are in conflict with one another, um, who don't relate well, they don't flow well together as one, and it's evident. So what does it really mean to be one flesh, as the Bible says, and how do we get there? So last week, Gil, we had discussed oneness, the process of becoming one. And so, what does oneness mean? What is God saying there? How can we become one flesh? We're two separate bodies, but we become one by having the same vision, goals, and the purpose that together you have established for your marriage and family. Oneness equals unity, oneness is agreement, oneness is alignment toward those same visions and goals and purposes that you have discussed and shared and dreamed about, and that you want for your marriage and your family. So being married doesn't necessarily mean you're unified. Just because you go to the altar and you get married, that is not being unified. And you will realize that as you start maybe even day one or two of your honeymoon. You know, the key elements of oneness are, as I just said, unity, agreement, alignment, coordinated effort. These are what I like to call the key performance indicators, the KPIs. You know, businesses run on KPIs, you know, how's this department doing? How's this going? Well, these are the KPIs of our relationship. These tell us if we are working and functioning as one, or they indicate, hey, no, there's some lack here.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

There's some work that needs to be done.

SPEAKER_02 3:30

There's some work that needs to be done. Exactly. It shows and reveals where you are on the oneness scale. What are they again? Unity, alignment, agreement, coordinated effort. The differences between spouses can either divide or strengthen your relationship. Now, isn't that something? The differences can divide, we know they can divide, or they can actually strengthen when we learn to recognize those differences and work off of those.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

The key is to find out what God's will is for your relationship. The visions are there if we allow the devil to use them, but the visions will also make us stronger if we allow God to use them.

SPEAKER_02 4:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Your differences strengthen me, and my differences strengthen you. You are great in organization, book work, office work, uh, organization of the of the family household, and me, my key strengths, I can fix whatever's broken. I can make anything that you need to make. I can bring your dreams and visions to the past, if you will. So our key differences. I I don't know if I would hand you a hammer and let you swing it around and and do what you got to do with it. I've I've I don't want a hammer. You've proven yourself with hammers.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

I did. Slam my thumb good putting on those organ straps. So becoming one is a lifetime process, and it takes a lot of work, and it's really necessary. Part of that work, part of that hard work is asking

Alignment In Money Kids Faith

SPEAKER_02 5:20

each other the hard questions. Okay, like say, are we one? Are we aligned in our marriage relationship? Do we walk in unity? Do we walk in agreement? So the major areas to look at are what is the vision and direction for our family? What and how are we going to handle in-laws? That's very important, you know, because the Bible says that when you get married, uh a man leaves his father and mother and he cleaves to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. They are now building their own life. And how are you going to build your life? You know, I believe you draw so, so, so, so much off your past and how you were raised, and then you have to join those two together. So you're both going to bring desires and wants and burdens and feelings that you feel that God has put in your heart and how to build and to add to your family. Another major area is finances. Do you think alike? Look into the podcast on money and debt because we really talked about that a lot there. But we have to be aligned in finances. We have to be aligned with how we want to spend our money, how we're going to invest it. We have to be on the same page. We cannot be separate. There cannot be secrets and all of these things as you hear so many stories. Another one is the children. How many do we want to have? How will we raise them? Another major area in alignment is church. Where are we going to go to church? You know. The last one that we have written down here is boundaries. What will we allow and what will we not allow in our home? As far as TV, as far as what we look at, maybe as far as books and magazines, or how we talk to one another, or what are our boundaries going to be? These are so so important. And if you're not in some of these areas aligned and you feel like you're operating independently, how can you work toward unity and agreement?

SPEAKER_00 7:42

I have something that just came to mind here. You know, we're talking about alignment, and most of us have had a car. And that car comes with four tires, usually four tires or whatnot. Hopefully, four tires, maybe sometimes five. And oh, a couple thousand miles later, we notice that our tires are wearing a little bit. So we have to take the car in and do what? We have to get it aligned. It's kind of funny because there are things we can do in our marriage relationships that realigns us so that we can run down the road smoothly.

SPEAKER_02 8:23

That is so good.

SPEAKER_00 8:24

If we don't fix what is out of alignment, we have a catastrophic failure eventually. Your tires wear out, they blow out, and it could cause an accident. You could get seriously hurt with a blown tire. If you pay attention to the wear patterns in your relationship and know that, hey, I'm starting to irritate my wife in some way, or I'm irritating my husband in a certain way, maybe there needs to be an alignment done in your marriage.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

That's good. That's good because you know, if we get out of alignment, what happens to a car when it's out of alignment? It doesn't drive straight down the road, it drifts. It drifts. And I heard Christine Kane say something, and she said, All you have to do to drift is nothing. All you have to do to drift is nothing. So that's why it's so important that we really, really recognize it takes work, and you can't fall asleep, like you just brought out. Am I doing something to irritate you? Or are you doing something to irritate me? We need to see what we could be doing to our spouse in some ways and get to talking about it, get to

Why Unity Has Spiritual Power

SPEAKER_02 9:44

working on it. Know this that the enemy is afraid of our alignment and unity. He does not want to see married couples walking tight. He doesn't want to see it, he's afraid of it. Why? Because there is a power when we are unified. He wants our relationships broken down and divided. He's so afraid of marriages being restored because he was defeated. His purpose is to divide and conquer, and if he can divide and conquer a husband and a wife, he's got the children divided and conquered almost. It just creates all kinds of havoc. So when we're restored, he's afraid of that because of the power of our oneness. Power of our oneness. When three are together, there the Lord commands the blessing. And those three are the husband, the wife, and the Lord. The Bible says in Ecclesiastic, it's a three-strand cord that holds things together. You know, it takes three of us, it takes the husband and the wife. But as believers, we know that it takes the Lord to hold our marriage together, and it takes our humble hearts before Him. So when we're one, your family, like Job's, will have God's protective hedge all around you, and the enemy cannot defeat you. That's the bulletproof marriage. That's exactly what it's meaning. We are walking in the power of covenant, just like in the book of Job. And God had built a protective hedge around him, and Satan had to go to God and say, What's this with Job? I can't get to him. You're protecting him. Yeah, he was. And he protects us too.

Communication As A Marriage KPI

SPEAKER_02 11:43

So today we're gonna dive into a majorly important topic and another huge key performance indicator, KPI, of just where a couple is in their marriages. And that topic is communication. This is so huge.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

I think communication is an ongoing test of your ability to be one with your spouse. Honestly, our communication can either make or break the day. And sometimes if the enemy gets in there, it's right out of the gate. So, what am I saying? I would like for you to take the time and sit down and talk with each other. If you can't sit down with your spouse and talk about the things that we're getting ready to talk about, you need to have a serious inspection of your heart because what God puts together, let no one separate, but you can let the enemy separate you. So the first thing I want to address is

Tone Respect And Face To Face

SPEAKER_00 12:52

it's not what you say, it's how you say it. That is a loaded gun. Because if I sat here and talked to you and say, I've never had this problem with my wife, or my wife has never had this problem with me, I'd be lying out my ears. Okay. Because when we talk to each other, we we're trying to bring a point across. And sometimes our wives and our husbands, they change and they change the way they hear things, they change the way they perceive things, and that's okay. It's your responsibility to know that and to work around that, not work around it backward and behind the scenes, but learn how to say things that are not going to rub them the wrong way, and I'm gonna tell you straight up, it's not easy. So let me ask you a question: How do you talk to each other? How do you talk with your spouse? Are you talking out of respect or pride? Are you inserting your will over them? Are you really asking for help? Are you really trying to get to the bottom of a matter? I can't answer these questions for you, but on in these things, I want you to really think about this because it will cause you to understand why your spouse is getting upset with you or why they respond to you the way you you expect them to. Another thing I want to talk to you about is how do you communicate? Do you talk to them face to face? Do you sit down with them, maybe take some quiet time on the couch, or in a safe place, uh a place where you can get away alone and just be you and your partner? Can you just be alone? Or do you talk about everything through texts or third party? And it's just not the greatest way to communicate. Sometimes it will produce animosity and anger and resentment and build a wall between you and your partner because what they don't feel like they can just talk to me, or they don't feel like they can come to me and we can work this out together as a pair, as a couple. Those are big deals in a relationship. It's one thing to work in a workplace where you have the main boss and then you have managers and managers upon managers, and then you have the workers. That's one thing. But in a relationship where there is a man and a wife in a marriage, it needs to be face to face. It needs to be together, it needs to be intimate. In our talking, we use words like ours and my. So do you want it our way or my way? Is it my way or the highway, or is it our way in a relationship? These are good questions to ask yourself. They could be the very word that saves your marriage.

Protecting Your Spouse In Public

SPEAKER_00 16:02

And here's a big one familiarity. Do you protect one another at home or in public? Or are you rude or revealing? Meaning you uncover more important or intimate parts of your life or not perfect areas of your spouse to other people. That's huge. That's a big deal in relationships. Why? Because if God put you two together to be one, then no one else needs to know what's going on behind the doors of your relationship unless you two come in agreement and need to talk to someone, someone who is spiritually mature, someone who is seasoned, and not the neighbor next door or someone who is not mature, if you will. And I and I say that, and I say that strongly because I see too many people going to whoever, an acquaintance, and spilling their heart on things about their spouse, and there is no anointing there. There is no fix, there's no direction, there's no understanding, and it's just turns into a gossip point. Is there freedom of thought to share and not shut down? Well, what do you mean by that? Is there freedom to talk about the things that are bothering you, that hurt you, that ruffle your feathers? Are you free to share those things with your spouse, or do you just shut down and walk away from it? Do you just throw in the towel and end it? I think it's important that you understand that if you're going to have a bulletproof marriage, you have to get to the point where you can absolutely share and talk about anything to your spouse. And it doesn't matter what it is. And we won't get into all the little nitty-gritty details of relationship and the things that we need to discuss because I think you know, I think you know those areas, and they might be embarrassing to you, but they are there, and those things need to be discussed. There is no way around it, and there's no way through it other than the intimacy you're sharing together. There was a situation in our relationship, and but it was an indicator of something that we had to address, and it it's really simple, it's funny now, but my wife was into a little decorating mode, and she was looking at coffee tables, and she picked out this particular type of coffee table. Then she asks, Well, what do you like in a coffee table? And I said, Well, I like a glass table top, I like glass, I like the way it looks, and immediately, right out of the gate, she said, No way. And I just I looked at her, I was taken back a little bit. I understand that women nest, they like to decorate, and so their ideas hold a little more weight with me than what I like. But the very fact that I was shot down in flames immediately really took me back a few feet, and I felt hurt and I felt wounded and disrespected. But the fact of the matter is that it was an eye-opener, and we had to sit down and talk about it for a few minutes, you know, because we'll realize that wait a minute, we didn't really discuss what we really, really like and like to see in a table. So I those are the little things I talk about, and that's just one example. But there are ways to communicate with our spouses.

SPEAKER_02 19:55

I came back to you, and I I felt bad. I I realized I had shut you down, but that's one of those freedom to share and a freedom of thought. I could have handled it a lot better, you know, and just said, oh babe, I don't like glass because it's really hard to keep clean. And if you have kids, and there's just all those reasons. But I didn't do that, it was just like, no,

Emotional Intimacy Triggers And Healing

SPEAKER_02 20:16

bang, shut. But we did work through that one. So let's go a bit deeper here and let's discuss emotional intimacy and vulnerability. And this is huge in a relationship. I believe that we all want emotional connection with people that helps alleviate loneliness. When we're emotionally connected with people, we don't feel alone. I won't go into the statistics on loneliness, but it is a real epidemic actually in our nation. And let me say up front that I got a couple of lines from the therapy and theology podcast with Lisa Turfhurst that was excellent as we discussed it. We felt it flowed well with this sharing on becoming one. Because, like I was saying, we do desire emotional intimacy and connection, but hurts and traumas from our past can make this very difficult. People normally don't like conflict, and when somebody's been hurt in the past, they'll avoid it at all costs. What's important for emotional intimacy is that we ask ourselves, how well do I really know my spouse on an emotional level? So, how do we find this out? What were their family dynamics? How were they raised? Have they been hurt or even traumatized in their past? And if they have, there are some triggers there which can make Communication very difficult. If we learn about our spouse and know their triggers, we become more emotionally intimate with them because we know what can pain them. And so we don't want to hit that trigger to set it off and fire the gun. We want to know that that trigger is there and come in with more compassion and understanding rather than let's fire this trigger on and start a war.

SPEAKER_00 22:32

And I think too, God has given the spouse the ability for the workaround not to hit that trigger, but also the ability to bring healing in that area.

SPEAKER_02 22:45

That is very true. That's excellent. And emotional intimacy goes hand in hand with vulnerability. Emotional intimacy, as I said, is when you know their hurts and pains from their past, but we must learn to communicate in a way that's vulnerable, shows understanding, and values the other person. And when we feel that, we will have a trust that I can

Vulnerability Trust And Rebuilding After Breaks

SPEAKER_02 23:20

open up with my wife or I can open up with my husband. Because vulnerability, it actually comes from a Latin word called lawn air, and it means a willingness to or opening up to be wounded. That's what vulnerability is. But if the other spouse is insensitive or they show lack of care or they show lack of love and understanding, that hurts us even more. And trust is broken. And as I was thinking about this, the emotional intimacy is broken and a disconnect comes in. And then that spouse that just got hurt again, trying to share, trying to be open, and a wall comes up, and they feel like they can open up and share with you anymore. Maybe not. And if it keeps happening, that wall just keeps building. Where in a bulletproof marriage, when we are one, we understand the hurts of the past of our spouse. We're sensitive to those triggers, and we're actually part of the ones that can help bring the healing.

SPEAKER_00 24:37

So, what side of the wall do you want to stand on? You want to stand on either side of the wall with your spouse, or you want your spouse on the same side of the wall as you so that the enemy's bullets and darts don't hit you?

SPEAKER_02 24:50

Well, you want to be together on the one side of the wall. Proverbs 31, 11 and 12. When I was thinking about this, how when when you're shown a lack of care and that trust is broken, there's a scripture that so speaks to this. In Proverbs 31, it says, Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life, but the heart of her husband can trust her. And trust is such a key to becoming one. So when trust is broken, it's it can be hard to rebuild. As we think about trust and trust being broken, it can go to financial trust being broken. Maybe somebody hid something financially, racked up a lot of debt, the other spouse didn't know about it, or maybe one of the spouses took a lot of money out of the savings account and didn't talk to the other. Those are broken trust. There's financial infidelity, which is what that is. There's also infidelity. Even emotional infidelity might not be a full-blown affair. It this takes a lot of healing, and trust will have to be rebuilt by being accountable, not only to each other, but maybe to a pastor or to a marriage counselor or something to rebuild that trust and get it back. But emotional intimacy is so important, and when it's there, it's so powerful. And when it's not there, it's also very powerful because you feel that disconnect or you feel that wall where you just want to share with this person that you married, you want to share your life with them, you want to share all of it, but you want to do it within the safety of a strong emotional bond where you know that that person cares for you beyond all else, and they're not there to hurt you, they're not there to harm you, they are to do you good.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

That's so good. Reminds me of the story I was telling you the other day about the two birds out in the yard. We have these sand hill cranes, and I call them eek and meek, they usually mind their own selves and they peck away and they tear up the yard like sandhill cranes do. And I I like to I'll say this with kick gloves, I like to push the envelope sometimes and just see what they do. And so I walk towards the sandhill cranes, and the male and female are together, and the female is literally just pecking away, and you know they're watching you, and then all of a sudden the male stops pecking at the yard and he stands up straight. And when I take another step towards him, he'll make noise and he's looking at you. He's the one protecting his mate, he's watching, he's the one really watching out what's going on. And so if I make another step, he does a dance, he he jumps up in the air and he makes a bunch of noise. And this time the females, like she stops pecking at the yard and she's looking at him and looking at me. She's like, Well, what's going on? And so then I'll take another step and he'll make a noise, a small noise, and they'll begin to back away. And if I move towards him again, he'll make another loud noise and they take off and they'll fly. And I think that's really interesting because I think men we need to do a better job at protecting our mates. And see, the thing is the female bird was paying attention, but was not concerned initially. She was paying attention because she knew that her mate was going to protect her, and if there was any danger, he would have let her know. And the last time he made noise, he was like, Let's go, honey, it's too dangerous here. And they just immediately in unison took off. I think it's interesting because men, we need to protect our wives, we need to protect them, we need to be aware of what's going on around us, we need to understand how our wives work. This great example of trust, great example of working together, and great example of unity.

SPEAKER_02 29:21

So, as we close out here, we would encourage you to take the time to sit and talk together, ask hard questions.

Hard Questions Confession And Next Steps

SPEAKER_02 29:29

Are we one? Are we really aligned in our vision for our family? How well do we really know each other on that emotionally intimate level? Do I know and understand your past hurts, your traumas, your triggers? Am I sensitive to those in our communication? Ask your spouse and be willing and able and to listen to whatever their response is. It might be good, it might be painful. Another question to ask one another is Have I been insensitive, thus breaking our emotional intimacy? And if one or both have have occurred, confess it. Really just confess it to each other and ask the Holy Spirit to heal the wounds that may have been inflicted and to forgive each other and be sensitive to one another moving forward. Colossians talks about putting on compassion, put on compassion and care and show the love of God to our spouses and be willing to work at it. And we just know that you're going to see God bringing you together in ways that you could never imagine.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

If today's message hit home or spoke to your heart, we invite you to reach out whether you need prayer or guidance or support to take the steps towards building a stronger, more unified, bulletproof marriage. We know that God is the God who restores, and we'd love to hear from you. The information is in the show notes. Until next week, God bless. Thanks for listening. If you've enjoyed the podcast, be sure to subscribe, click the share button, and take a screenshot and share it on your social media pages. Tag us at the Father's House T and visit us at tfht.org for more information.