The Bulletproof Marriage Pt.6 Sex is God's Idea

In this episode, Pastors Gil and Liz continue The Bulletproof Marriage series with Part 6, diving into a powerful and often misunderstood topic, intimacy in marriage.
You’ll discover:
•        Why marriage and sex were God’s idea from the very beginning 
•        How emotional and physical intimacy are deeply connected 
•        How understanding your spouse’s love language plays a key role in physical intimacy 
•        How intentional communication and dating your spouse keep the spark alive 
•        Why a lack of intimacy can leave cracks in a marriage, and how to strengthen them 
•        Why physical intimacy is not optional, but an important part of a healthy marriage 
Strong emotional and physical bonds in marriage relationships are key building blocks of a bulletproof marriage. This episode brings biblical perspective and practical insight to help couples better understand each other and build a deeper, more connected relationship, as God designed.

📖Scripture References: Genesis 2:7, 18-25; 1 Corinthians 7:3-5; Song of Solomon 8:4

📖 This series is based on Dream Marriage Vol. II: The Bulletproof Marriage by Bishop Duane & Sunny Swilley — grab your copy here: https://a.co/d/0gUgck2i

Click here to listen to our last episode in this series."The Bulletproof Marriage Pt. 5 Becoming One: Communication"

https://tfhtcmessageoftheweek.buzzsprout.com

📩 For more information about The Father’s House, email us info@tfhtc.org
🌐 Visit our website:  https://www.tfhtc.org/
👍 Like, Comment, and Share this episode to help spread the message!
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Transcript

Why Talk About Sex Here

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Thank you for joining us to know what he inspired and reminded that God has not come with your story. He has more than you don't want to go together.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Welcome to the Father's House Jensen Beach podcast for part six of the series, The Bulletproof Marriage. We've had a lot of fun sharing this word, and today we'll be sharing biblical truths and insights on a subject that is not talked about enough in the church. Why is the church silent in this area? When sexual perversions have permeated our culture through social media, movies, and television, and this is a time when people need to hear truth and what God really has to say about it. But many leaders and pastors are afraid to discuss it. And it's been this way for years. Or even if it is discussed or shared from the pulpit, sometimes it can be from a negative standpoint or from a rules angle, instead of sharing the positive and the beautiful, meaningful, and fulfilling aspect of sex in a married couple's relationship. It's time to break the myth and secrecy about it and openly proclaim that God designed it and the Bible supports it all the way through. So Gil and I are sharing from the book The Bulletproof Marriage by Duane and Sonny Swilly, and you can get your own copy on Amazon. Whether married or thinking about getting married, we really encourage you to do so. And be sure to like and follow the show, share this episode, and help us get the word out. We really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 2:12

It drives us to protect and to love and to cherish our wives. I'm really excited about this subject, not because of what it is, but because it can help people in their relationships.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

That's right. That's right. And you know, I think too that this is a subject and a topic that people, you know, it has to be in the right environment to even think about talking to somebody about it or asking about it. So that's another reason why it's been exciting to share on the bulletproof marriage. And so as we tackle tonight's topic, which is sex is God's idea, we've been digging deeper. And each week the Holy Spirit is giving us wisdom and insight into how powerful the marriage covenant is between a man and a woman. You know, marriage was God's idea from the very beginning, because he knew that it was not good for man to be alone.

Genesis And The One Flesh Design

SPEAKER_01 3:15

So to start out tonight, I wanted to talk and share from a scripture in Genesis 2, verses 7, and then 18 through 25, because this scripture is just so good. And when I read it, I felt that the Holy Spirit gave a little bit of revelation on it that I think uh could help people. I know it helped me, and so let's read it together. It's Genesis chapter 2, verse 7. It says, Then the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man's nostrils, and the man became a living person. Verse 18. Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just for him. So the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would call them, and the man chose a name for each one. Man gave names to all the livestock, all the birds of the sky, and all the wild animals, but still there was no helper just right for him. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. And while the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man's ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. At last the man exclaimed, This one is bone from my bone and flesh from my flesh. She shall be called woman, because she was taken from man. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two were united into one. Now the man and wife were both naked, but they felt no shame. I think this is just a fascinating scripture. First, I think there's a funny aspect to it because the Lord said, I'm going to make a helper who is just right for man, but he didn't do that first. He goes on and he starts saying that he formed from the ground wild animals and birds of the sky. And so it's like he made the animals and the creatures first, but then he saw still that that didn't satisfy man. The things around us, the things around Adam, even though they were living and breathing, they still weren't satisfying to him. But when God put him to sleep and formed that woman and he woke up and saw her, what did he say? At last, something I can relate to. It's like he recognized something of himself in the woman that he saw. Adam recognized something of himself in Eve, and it's like he identified, he knew that she was made from him. And that's how it is when we find that person, when we find that mate. You know, I've heard some stories of how different people get together, but one really stands out in my mind, and it's actually from Michael W. Smith, the Christian musician. He was born and raised in West Virginia, and one day he's just on a street in a West Virginia town, and this girl walks out of a uh a store or something, or you know, walks onto the sidewalk, and he just saw her, and he gets on the phone and he calls his mom and he says, Mom, I think I just saw the girl I'm going to marry. How did he know that? How was he able to just see this one person and say, Mom, I just saw the girl I'm I think I'm gonna marry? And they did, they got married. Because it's like that person that God has joined you with to be your wife, to be your husband, that person was made from you. That's why you look at them and you recognize that person has something of me in them, and that's why we're able to be joined as one because God created that. God created that person for you, and that's what's so powerful. The two they really are bone of the bone and flesh of the flesh, and so they are able to become one, they're able to leave their mother and their father and to become their own union and create their own family and build their own lives.

Sex As Glue Or A Crack

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Marriage and sex are God's idea. It's how He made the man and the woman and he formed us to be joined together and to create and to build. So sex is a very powerful, powerful phenomenon in which God created something special that helps bring a man and woman together as one. But sex or the lack of it makes a marriage either incredibly strong or incredibly vulnerable. And when we're not functioning healthy in each area and purpose that God has given our marriages, there are cracks in the armor where the enemy can get in and injure our relationship. So for the women, it's important for us to see and to be everything that our man needs in every respect because it is our love for our husbands that make him feel very validated, so much so that he believes he can accomplish and conquer anything, but also it's important to realize that this is a two-way street, and so women, it's important for us to validate our men, and men also, it's important for you in your ways to validate your wife and your spouse. This is the bulletproof marriage mentality.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

I'd like to ask us a question here.

The Questions Couples Avoid

SPEAKER_00 10:11

Is this intimate part of your relationship improving or is it stagnating? Let me ask you this question. How well do you enjoy your intimacy? How well do you enjoy it? You gotta ask this question to your spouse. Is there anything I can do or say that would make it better?

SPEAKER_01 10:35

Good question.

SPEAKER_00 10:36

Men, regardless of who you are, we can improve. Let me share you a story from the book here. A man who was a leading elder in his church was getting a divorce from his wife because they just didn't get each other sexually. And the conversation in the book went something like this starting with the husband, he says, What's wrong with my ability to make love to you? And the wife says, You do so many things that completely turn me off. And he says, Like what? Now that's a typical question from a man, because at this point he has no clue. He thinks he's been operating in a number one position. Now he's blindsided and he's like, Like what? And the wife says, When you start kissing me and then you kiss me on the ear, she says, I hate it. That's why I'm squirming around. And he goes, Really? I thought I was turning you on. You see, we have to know our relationship, we have to know our wife, we have to know our husband, we have to know what they like and don't like.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 11:50

And you have to have the guts to sit to speak up and say something about it.

SPEAKER_01 11:56

So it's a good conversation.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

It is a good conversation. I think it's a conversation that has to go on quite frequently because we all change.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

That's very true. And so, you know, women need to be needed and respected and not just be an object of a man's desire. And women can feel that. I remember a friend of mine years and years ago in the church. Her and her husband had some issues in this area because she was a very pretty girl. But whenever they went out, I mean, she just had to be dolled up to the T. And she goes, you know, I'm not your Barbie doll that you show off to people. That's what she literally said. But where did that come from? That's how she felt. She felt she was just this object that he was showing off, and she always had to look a certain way. That's not how a woman wants to feel. She wants to feel needed and respected deep down. Men respond to what they see visually and what they feel physically. And so the more intimate they are with their wives, the happier you are, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:07

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

No, and so and women respond to words of affirmation and feeling validated and knowing we're needed, but men, your wives will be equally fulfilled with your intimate experiences when you understand that.

Emotional Intimacy Fuels Desire

SPEAKER_01 13:36

So let's talk about what women need. Last week in our podcast about communication, we discussed a very important topic, and that was emotional intimacy. And when emotional intimacy between the two is broken, it really affects the sexual part of the relationship. Because for women, sex is more than an act, there's an emotional bonding or a lack thereof that also takes place, and it's really important that she feels this. And she knows when she feels it, and she knows when she doesn't. So, one area to greatly strengthen your emotional intimacy, which we didn't get to last week, is the five love languages.

The Five Love Languages Applied

SPEAKER_01 14:30

It's knowing and understanding your spouse's love languages. Do you do you and I really know and understand each other's love languages? And if we don't Well, we do.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

We we we understand some of them. And there are others that we need to relearn.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

Yeah. Because it's important because if you don't, you do need to learn them. If you don't know them and understand them, and if you do, you need to be sure to do them. You know, but the first um the first love language is called words of affirmation. Now, this is one of our love languages for sure. It's using verbal compliments, words of appreciation and encouragement to validate and support the other one. When I hear these from you, I'm telling you, it does me the world to see that you're recognizing something I do, that you think I'm doing a good job at it, or that it's blessing you, you know, and this is in any area. We're just talking about everyday life, everyday things that we do when we can compliment and encourage each other, that is definitely a strong love language.

SPEAKER_00 15:52

Well, like I love to tell you when you dress in the way I like you to dress, uh that does more for me than you can imagine. And you know, when a man looks at his wife and she's dressed in his eyes to the nines, and he tells her that that is probably one of the strongest things you can do to build confidence in your spouse. I mean, just complimenting them uh and how they dress or how they look or how they smell or or how their hair is. And especially men, I just speak to the men. Men I I know that we look at our wives and we look at them and we say, you know, well, there are wives, but we never, and I'm guilty of this, but we never acknowledge how they look when they come out of the bedroom in in the morning, you know, after spending an hour and a half, two hours doing their hair and their makeup and getting dressed, and they spend time standing in front of the clothes and trying to pick out something that's gonna look nice. How many times, men, have you complimented your wife on how she looks when she comes out of the bedroom? How many times have you encouraged her? And how many times have you just loved on her because she did her absolute best that morning to come out and be nice, you know, and and not come to the breakfast table looking like she'd been run hard and put away wet. I mean, come on, guys. Seriously. So I just want to encourage you.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

Well, I know when I get ready for the day, I get ready first for you.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

I get ready first for you. Of course I want to look nice when I walk out the door, but I dress for you. And I think it's important that a married couple dresses for their spouse first, and that that spouse does recognize it. Because what if we go to work and other men or other women recognize it, but our spouse doesn't? You know, that's an open door. That's an open door. We need to be getting our validation from within our home. Huge. That's just so huge. A second um love language is quality time, giving someone undivided attention through meaningful conversations, shared activities, or uninterrupted time together. Another one for us, this is a very strong love language that really affirms us also. Uninterrupted time together to me says a lot. You know, body language is a language, and you can tell when somebody's listening to you or when they're distracted or whatever. It's time to put down our phones, it's time to make eye contact, it's time to make that spouse feel that they have your undivided attention. It's it's just huge because it's letting the other one know that, hey, you are the most important thing in the world to me right here. You are. It doesn't matter what goes on, it doesn't matter if my phone notification goes off, it doesn't matter who could be calling me, you're the most important. And when we give them that undivided attention, it speaks volumes, it's powerful. A third one is receiving gifts. This is another love language, and some people expressing their love through thoughtful, meaningful gifts that signify affection regardless of their monetary value. Now, for both you and I, that's not one of our strongest love languages. I appreciate gifts, I always appreciate gifts. But I wouldn't say that if if you don't bring me flowers every week, I'm I'm gonna feel hurt or something. But some people are. So if that's your spouse's love language, send them flowers as much as you can because they love it. Another one is acts of service, performing helpful actions, such as chores or tasks to ease a partner's burden and to demonstrate care. Oh my gosh, to me, this is huge. This is huge, you know, because I can be at work all day, I work in the home office here, but I'm still in the office. And when I come out and there's still dinner to get ready and then dinner to clean up and trash to take out, and maybe some laundry to pull out of a dryer or something, when you pitch in and help, oh my gosh, it just takes a burden because we are working this together. Part of marriage is doing life together and making it work together. And sometimes you go in different seasons and it can be a really heavy workload. Or, you know, I think about our daughter and son-in-law, Shelby and Bryson. Here, she's studying for her master's, she's working full-time and doing online classes at night, and she's slammed. Well, Bryson is right there beside her. He helps her, he helps her study, he'll cook dinner. They just really work well together in that, and it's a beautiful thing to see. I know that sometimes we've struggled in that in the past, where we had been doing life kind of separately. But when we begin to really say, hey, we're working this together, there's a power in that. The last and the fifth love language is physical touch. Communicating love through physical gestures such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing. I know this is a strong one for you. And then it's a strong one for me, too. I love it to just have you come up and touch me and let me know you're there. It just means the world. So would you have anything to add? To the love languages?

SPEAKER_00 22:01

I think I think just in that last one there, we have to be very careful. It's a strong one for me because I'm not super, super emotional. Uh but I always want my wife to know that she's number one. So I'm always touching her. And I do playfully, you know how sometimes I would be driving down the road and I'll just reach over and grab her knee real quick, you know, and and it tickles. And I she jumps and then she'll slap at me. Well, to me, it's like that's fun. It's fun to me. Sometimes I love to come up behind you and kiss you on the neck and and and wrap my arms around you and just hold you and squeeze you. I'm not much of a lot of words, but that's the love language. And yeah, and I think we have to be careful. Now, if your spouse doesn't like that, then you need to find out what she really does like or or what he really likes.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:55

Yeah. And there again, the these are just such great questions. They help to build an emotional intimacy between you. And when you really start practicing them, it's powerful. It's just powerful.

How Men And Women Are Wired

SPEAKER_00 23:08

So that leads us to our favorite subject we're talking about here. Sex. And I want you to know that sex is really not an option for a man. Men are always thinking about sex. Women, I know that comes to a complete shock to you, but we do. It's how we're wired. We're wired that way. And why are we wired that way? Well, that's a really good question, too. And this is a tough one because men are wired that way because when we are fulfilled physically, we'll jump through fire and hell to make sure that you are taken care of emotionally, mentally, physically, uh, in every facet that you need to be taken care of. We will go to the ends of the earth for you and we will protect you. That is an inherent quality within a man, not because he has to, because he wants to. If he's being fulfilled physically and has the freedom and knows that he's wanted, there's nothing he can't accomplish. And that includes making sure that you are taken care of and you are happy.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

So God, that's such the power of a marriage covenant and truly becoming one.

Covenant Boundaries And 1 Corinthians 7

SPEAKER_00 24:33

Yeah. So you mentioned covenant. When as couples, we should make a covenant with each other, stating in some way, shape, or form, that we agree not to stay apart for any long length lengths of time. The Bible commands us to not deprive one another. In First Corinthians 7, verses 3 through 5, it gives us the instructions, if you will, for sexual intimacy. And it it basically talks about we do not have rights on our own bodies, but they belong to our spouses. And we should not stay apart only for a time of mutual consent and prayer. And then it says, You need to come right back together again, you need to come together and keep that bond together.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

So Satan doesn't tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

SPEAKER_00 25:30

Yeah, it says lack of self-control, but it says it's the lack of passion or sexual attraction. You see, if we're not attracted to one another, we're not going to keep that glue together. That glue is going to get hard. That glue is going to not do what it's supposed to do. It's kind of an interesting thought. It comes from someone who does a lot of building and

Dating Your Spouse To Stay Close

SPEAKER_00 25:55

so forth. So I got a question. Okay. How do we keep the sexual attraction alive in our marriages? With that question, I asked this question. Men, how do you date your wife? How do you go out and um I and have fun? And have fun. Remember when you were dating, you'd go out on a date, you'd go to different places, you'd go out for dinner, maybe take her for a walk and take her to an ice cream shop and buy her an ice cream cone or some chocolate. Just walk in the parks, or if you live by the water, you take her and walk by the water, or you whatnot. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

And you would call her on the phone, you'd make the date, you'd drive to her house, you come knock on the door, and you'd pick her up. And I remember this time in our marriage. We had been married numbers of years. When you did that, you wanted to plan a date night, so you called me and we had it all set up. And then on this night, you come and you ring the doorbell.

SPEAKER_00 27:03

Why? I left the house. I drove up in the driveway.

SPEAKER_01 27:06

You did. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

And I and I walked to the front door and I rang the doorbell.

SPEAKER_01 27:10

And so I come and answer the door and I said, Hey, how you doing? So I just left the door open and I walked away. I didn't even ask you into the house.

SPEAKER_00 27:19

Because he would have stood there.

SPEAKER_01 27:21

And so he just stood there outside. But that's how familiar we've got. I I didn't even recognize what you were doing. I didn't even think about it, you know. And you were trying to put the fun back into the play.

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Into the date.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:34

And yeah, so I could have got very angry. You know, because if that would have happened when we were dating, I would have thought, she really doesn't want to be with me. Exactly. And so I probably would I probably would have turned around, walked out, and got back in the car and left with the door wide open, you know.

SPEAKER_01 27:53

Uh do you forgive me, baby?

SPEAKER_00 27:55

Oh, yeah, but that was a horrendous night. I mean, we went to three restaurants and finally settled for pizza. That was good.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

You need to find out from her what does a date look like? What's it supposed to be? And make sure you get honest answers and ask her, what do you enjoy doing? What would be a fun adventure for you? Ask these questions, find out exactly what is it that she would like to do on a date.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

And do those things. Have fun with her. You know, if she's doing things that she likes to do, I'm talking to the men. If she likes to do things that she likes to do, be involved in what she's doing.

SPEAKER_01 28:37

And that benefits a lot.

SPEAKER_00 28:39

If it's a date, it's not about you, it's about her. So these are certain things she need to look at. And I'll ask the same question to the ladies. How do you date your man? Do you know what he likes to do?

SPEAKER_01 28:52

That's right.

SPEAKER_00 28:53

You want to do the things that he does. I mean, you may not like some of the things that he likes to do. I know that sometimes we either like sports or maybe we like cars or maybe we want to do things like that. I know that we haven't done this in a long time. And sometimes in your town or wherever you're listening from, you may not have the opportunity. But for me, I like cars. And sometimes the locals get together and have their own car show every Tuesday night or every Saturday night or something like that. And to me, it would be fantastic to walk around and just look at those cars and drool and remember the days gone by when I had one of those cars.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:33

You know? To me, that's fun.

SPEAKER_01 29:36

Well, there's one of our dates, Ben.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

Yeah, if we had a car show to go to.

SPEAKER_01 29:41

We'll find one.

SPEAKER_00 29:42

But let me say this. When you go out on a date, and I'm gonna speak to the women here. If you go on a date with your spouse, how do you dress? And guys, I guess this is a good fit for the guys too. How do you dress? Guys, all right, let me start with the guys, because you guys, we need to step up. We need to step up in some areas. Do you go out on the date wearing an old pair of blue jeans and a t-shirt? Or do you put on new clothes, a nice shirt, showered with smelly smellies on, and the whole nine yards? Do you get dressed up to go out? And women, do you dress nicely for your date? And I'm not telling you to dress up like you're going to church. I'm saying do you dress up for him? Because let me tell you, he doesn't operate on emotions, he operates on what he sees and feels. But if he sees something he likes and you're nice and soft and smelly smellies on, you're gonna do more for him than you can ever think or imagine. That is like a number one in his book. So when we date each other, we're not dating for anybody else around us, we're dating for each other. And believe me, if you do that for him, you're protected. Ain't nobody gonna come near you because he knows he's got something. And so I just want to encourage us in that, you know, men are very simple, they're moved by what they see and what they feel, and when they get what they see and feel, they become very pliable and responsive to your needs. Yeah, very responsive.

SPEAKER_01 31:24

Yeah. So very true.

SPEAKER_00 31:26

When God created sex and marriage, that sex has a passion, a thing that goes on within it that creates something in a man and a woman. When they come together, they they are glued together. It is a bond that God designed to happen in a man and a wife.

Why Sex Before Marriage Hurts

SPEAKER_00 31:47

It is a bond that is unbreakable. You wonder, and this is a little off, but you wonder why, if you have sex before marriage and then you break up, why has it hurt you so much? Why is there so much pain? Because there is a tearing apart of your souls. The Bible says that a man and a woman shall come together and cleave together and be one. Well, when you do it against God's way and you get torn apart because you're not supposed to be together and you're tearing apart, yeah, that's why God's so so for marriage. That's why he designed it, because he knew that it would be detrimental any other way.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

But also, though, he didn't do it to be a strict lawgiver and you're gonna do it this way. He knew because God designed the marriage covenant to be the place where the sexual part of the relationship would be able to grow and fulfill and fully realize its purpose and its function. And it can't do that any other place until we're one in marriage. Because, like if there is sex before marriage, it's more just an act. Yeah, with consequences, with consequences, and a lot of times, and you know, the stories are all over out there. Here's girls that give themselves to their boyfriends, and those boyfriends shatter their hearts because there's no commitment in them. And the girls, a huge percentage of the time, they're looking for that commitment long term. It's the way a woman's wired, she's wired to be protected and be secure. She's looking for that commitment, she's giving the guy the sex he wants, but he's not giving her the commitment back. Yeah, and that hurts. That hurts.

Song Of Solomon And Holy Passion

SPEAKER_01 33:50

So if you don't believe, though, that God wants passion in your marriage, or if you need to spark it, read the Song of Solomon. That's one of the most beautiful, powerful books in the Bible. And it's loaded, it is loaded with passion. You'll see that incredible passion between this man and a woman, and it says in Song of Solomon 8, verse 4 in the Amplified Bible that I command you to take an oath, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you do not rouse nor awaken my love until she pleases. There's a time for your love and passion to be awakened, and you'll know the time.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

So true. I think when we awaken love before it's time, we don't know what to do with it.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

That's true.

SPEAKER_00 34:42

We really don't. God, when he puts man and a woman together, when they fall in love, he downloads them with the purpose and the understanding and the wisdom about love.

Prayer Support And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 34:57

If today's message hit home or spoke to your heart, we invite you to reach out whether you need prayer or support, or to take some steps towards building a stronger, more unified, bulletproof marriage. The contact information is in the show notes, and we'd love to hear from you. God bless for listening. We invite you to join us on Sundays at 10 30 AM right here in Chapter 18. See the link in the show notes for all of the loved ones.